This is a thought I have been having for some time now. What if I die in my apartment randomly some day? For atleast three days no one will even suspect anything is wrong. It is very normal for me to not answer my phone, my doorbell, my gtalk messages or for my phone battery to die.
I live alone in a 2 bedroom apartment in Powai, Mumbai. In a city of billions, one gone will not even make any difference to anyone.
My thoughts took over me with greater force when on my way back to my apartment building I saw a tiny bird lying on the floor, dead. People were just walking past it, and not even noticing that the tiny innocuous thing was there, with no breath in it. Tore my heart apart.
And then I got to thinking more about it. Maybe the bird died alone. But atleast it flew around wherever it wanted all her life. At least she was free as long as she lived. And anyone that free cannot be anything but happy. Maybe she didn’t care if people notice her lying dead or not once it’s gone. She only cared about the present moment. And when the moments ended, she ended too, happily.
That’s when I felt, that if I am alone today, it’s not by compulsion, it’s by choice. If I don’t answer my phone and my doorbell, it’s by choice. I choose to be free. I choose to be alone than suffocate myself with the annoying and constant presence of others.
And as long as I live happily, each day, who cares what I look like when I am gone. It’s the days that I am living that matter. Not the days when I die. Maybe I will die alone. But even that will be out of choice, not compulsion.