How to Move On (For Real)

Have You Really Moved On?


Let’s face it: there are many parts of our past which we are not “okay” with, which we wish hadn’t happened, which we prefer not to think about. These parts are better buried somewhere deep in our minds (so we think).

Unfortunately, these are the parts of our past that need resolution more than ignorance. Because these are not just parts our past that are unpleasant — these are parts of us that are unpleasant to us. The guy who insulted me seven years ago was not just a guy insulting me. It was a part of me getting injured, broken and permanently damaged because of the insult hurled at me by some guy.

Sometimes, some very rare times, we may feel like we have “moved on” and don’t really care about it anymore; but when we take a deep, honest, sincere, frank look at ourselves in the mirror, we can clearly recognize the part that was damaged — and still is. We just prefer to think we have moved on, because we don’t know how to really move on and heal the part that was damaged. Because no one told us.

How to Know if You Have Moved On?

If you can recall an incident (no matter how apparently insignificant) from your past and look at it without feeling any low energy emotion — like anger, frustration, helplessness, dejection, rejection, hurt, sadness, jealousy, longing etc — and feel like you genuinely understand the other person(s) in that incident also, then you have moved on. If that incident does not trigger any low mood and low energy in you, then you have moved on — from that incident.

Else, be honest with yourself, and admit that you have not yet moved on. Because acknowledging a hurt inside yourself is the first and most vital step towards healing it.

Why Is It Important to (Really) Move On?

It is important to first understand why we need to move on, to be able to do what is needed to get healed. Many people are not entirely convinced that they need to move on. They feel that it doesn’t matter if we continue with life in the same way.

If you are really happy and fulfilled in your life and couldn’t ask for anything if I gave you a wish, you probably don’t need this technique. Most people, it so happens, are not really there yet.

All past memories related with a certain emotion are stored in the same part of the brain. Which means, that if a set of incidents caused a certain emotion in us, then the memory of that incident is stored along with the emotion. So, if anything similar happens, that same emotion is also immediately felt. So, if I feel guilty in a certain kind of situation, without really understanding why I feel that way, even though I logically know there is no reason to feel guilty, it is probably because I felt very strongly guilty in a similar situation in the past, and that emotion gets triggered every time anything similar happens.

And this is also the explanation of why some people have a very volatile anger, some people are very submissive, some people are very aggressive, some are escapists, some highly perfectionist and so on. It is a pattern of response that keeps repeating with greater force every time something happens outside our comfort zone of the things we “like”.

To give the essence, if we have not moved on and healed from a hurt in the past, it is like an unhealed wound which feels the pain & the person reacts every time it is touched & messed with. Because the past incident is not an independent incident like it should be, but a wound living on inside us and we are juggling with these “triggers” all the time.

Fire

Now Let’s Move On

This is a technique for busy people. Wherever possible, I have tried to give a short and a long version of doing the exercise, so you can choose according to the amount of time you have.

Step 1

Please maintain a notebook or journal which you keep with you all the time and where you can write practically any time. Please make sure that no one other than you reads this journal without your permission.

Step 2

Every time you go through a negative, low energy emotion in some situation, pen down your feelings in the notebook. Write down everything, do not edit. This is you writing for yourself and hence you need to be really, brutally honest about this. If you don’t write down something you feel, it is going to remain inside you like a bullet stuck in a wound. If while you are writing, you remember any other incident when you felt the same way, write that down as well.

As you write this down, go through these emotions with full intensity.

Don’t be scared that it will mess up your day. We are scared of intensity, that is the reason why most of our actions and emotions are “half baked”. Let your emotions come up with full force (just don’t do anything to hurt someone else). Relive and relieve your emotions this time. When you go through something fully, it leaves your system.

If/when the emotion you are writing about becomes too intense, take a break of maybe 10-15 minutes. Use the restroom, use the terrace, go to any place where you would be by yourself, undisturbed, for a few minutes. Now allow all the pent up emotions to come up and go through them fully.

If you have time and can be by yourself in some place, face yourself in a mirror and visualize that the person in the mirror is the injured and wounded part of you from the past. Face the person in the mirror — make eye contact. Listen to what the person in the mirror is saying. This is really important. Most of the times you will be able to “hear” the hurt person from the past saying something — and the biggest thing you can do to heal that person is to listen, really listen.

Step 3

When you are more or less done writing about the incident/happening and reliving your emotions, write down the following four things in the context of the same situation:

What you think about yourself: this is not what you generally think about yourself. This is what you feel about yourself in this situation. You may be a PhD and yet feel like a fool when you feel someone is “rejecting” you. This is what you need to write down when you are writing about this situation.
What you think about the other (in the situation): Please write what you think of the other person in the situation. This is what you broadly feel about the world/life at large also. If you think a little more deeply, you will see that it will be true in many situations in life.
What you project or show yourself as: Please write what you do in the situation in an attempt to handle it. This is what you project yourself as to the other person, and people at large.
What you feel the other thinks of you and expects from you: This is your perception of what the other in the incident thinks of you and expects from you.
These four are the four identities we carry with us wherever we go — these 4 identities are the foundation stone for everything we do in life. These 4 define what we think of as our possibilities and capacity in life. And hence, to move on, we need to shift these four ideas we carry in life. The wound we carry are these four limiting identities.

Road to Darjeeling

Step 4

Now, pause for a few minutes, and re-cognize and acknowledge the fact that whatever you wrote about how you felt about yourself in the situation is not true! None of it is actually true! Those are just ideas you formed from an incomplete understanding of an incident. But, that happening and your feelings about yourself do not define who you are!

If you have the time and can face yourself in the mirror, tell the person in the mirror that these ideas he/she has are not true. Say it verbally.

Now, consciously tell yourself that you are pure consciousness, which cannot be defined or contained in that incident in the past. Just be silent and let this truth sink inside you.

Consciously shift the ideas you formed about yourself in a moment of unawareness and suffering.

Write this down as well.

Step 5

Now, clearly see, that whatever you do in the situation to handle it, is not really the best way to handle it. It does not help — because when we project ourselves as something different from how we feel, it creates a distance with our own selves.

The idea is not to now do the opposite of what you were doing, but just to acknowledge that what you were doing till now wasn’t useful. When the strong negative emotions leave your system, your inner intelligence will get awakened, and you will automatically know what is the best way to handle the situation.

Step 6

This part involves healing the part of us that holds negative emotions for other people. Hence, it may require talking to other people, or atleast visualizing the other person in the mirror. This part also involves all our ideas in relation with the other — what we project ourselves as, what we think of the other and what we think the other expects from us. Remember that the “other” is the other in this situation, but these are the same ideas we carry about life in general. Resolving these with the people involved in the incident repairs our very ideas of life.

Before doing this step, make sure you have done all the previous steps.

Now, if you have the time, sit with a mirror and visualize that the person in the situation is now in the mirror. Ask this person whatever you want to ask and say whatever you want to say to him/her. You may be surprised, but you will be able to hear an answer. When the other answers, make sure you really listen.

If you don’t have the time, please try to find the time ☺ This is a step that cannot be completed without taking a few minutes to listen to the other person.

You can now also talk to the other person on phone, or in person about this situation. But remember that the purpose behind this talk is not to fight, blame, expect something etc. The purpose is just to resolve something that was unresolved for you. Even if there is something you want to say, just say it with the purpose of healing your own self, not with the expectation that the other will reply in a certain way.

PS: If you think someone may be aggressive or hurt you, please do not make contact with that person and do the mirror exercise visualizing the person instead. Please use your discretion in this.

Step 7

Relax. Just be where you are and sit for a few minutes without doing anything.

After practicing this technique, you may feel lighter. The more you practice this technique, the more aware you will become of your own emotions and perceptions and where they are coming from. This may be very new at the beginning, but it only means that the garbage stored inside you in the form of negative emotions is starting to empty out, leaving you a clean inner space to operate from.

What is dharma? And how can it be different for different people?

Photograph by Arti Agarwal
Photograph by Arti Agarwal

I encounter this question often. “What is dharma?”

The immediately next question people ask, is, “How can dharma change from one person to another? And from one situation to another?”

Dharma is taking a decision or an action, in alignment with the laws  of the cosmos. In simple words, dharma is taking any action or decision from a space of completion & with an intention of enriching someone.

When we say “Brahmanyam Bahuputratam”, we mean, “I am the favourite inheritor of the cosmos”. It means, “I am the source of everything.” This applies to each and every human being, whether they have realized it yet or not.

Hence, to simplify it even further, the dharma of every human being is to take responsibility for any and every situation that is bothering them or that needs reform. Any decision that comes from that sense of responsibility will be in alignment with dharma.

Why is dharma different for different people?

In the same situation, the dharma in spirit will be the same for each person – to take responsibility for the situation. But, the methods chosen to shoulder that responsibility can be different according to each person. Different people may be using different methods to achieve the same thing.

For example, the dharma of a kshatriya (warrior) and a brahmana (sage) is the same. To take responsibility for the humanity. But their methods will be different. That is called svadharma. A kshtriya will carry out his svadharma by protecting the land and its people. A brahmana will carry out his svadharma by studying scriptures, giving the right counsel to the rulers, teaching young minds, performing rites and rituals for the betterment of the land & its people. The actions and methods of both are different, the spirit is the same.

Walking Around Kathmandu

I was on a market street somewhere between Thamel and Basantpur, walking towards the Durbar Square in Basantpur, which I was told by the people who gave me directions was at a walking distance, though I was finding the rightness of the expression “walking distance” very questionable with every kilometre I walked. Much as I disliked admitting it, the walk was actually not that bad, though a little outside of my zone of expectations in terms of the distance. There were honking scooters, speeding rickshaws and men, women and children going in every possible direction in the narrow galis or lanes where I was walking, which had double storey houses on both the sides, and small shops at the ground level. The houses had an entrance door opening in the gali, sometimes with some small verandah, where some women and old men were sitting and talking, or just sitting. I thought it uncanny, since I had not seen people just sitting like that, though I let it pass. “Maybe one of their lazy days, or some slow hour of the day”, I thought to myself.

Travel-1

The Durbar Square came upon me as a surprise, just as I had gotten habituated to the walking and looking around. There stood marvels in carved wood and red brick, scattered in large open spaces, where you could stand and take in the splendour of it all. While I looked on in wonder, I also saw that there were men sitting everywhere in the Durbar Square, in the pastel colored Nepali hats. This was becoming too uncanny to ignore. There were men sitting on benches, in the corridors of the buildings and on the steps leading to the temples. Just as I was ready to dismiss them as “jobless”, I stopped to rethink my perception of people, the given situation and life as such. What is it that makes us so productivity-driven? Why is it that the idea of sitting with one’s own self, alone, without any work and without any thinking felt out of ordinary? Why was it that I was so quick to think that just because some people looked free and without any work, I equated them with being jobless?

I discovered that every place can teach us things that as yet we don’t even know we need to learn. And it is for that reason that we need to travel. Even though we may be cultured and polite on the outside, inside, many a time, we are thinking something that is a polar opposite of what we project to others. So, while I thought I was perfectly at peace with myself, I understood that I really did have the need to constantly do something or talk about something or atleast think about something. I had lost the inability to enjoy and cherish silence inside and outside.

With this pensive mood, I took a cab to the Bouddhanath Stupa, a sacred monument and monastery where Buddhist monks lived and practiced the higher truths of living. As I entered there were pigeons flying all around, and little monks were feeding the pigeons the seeds. They playfully fed the seeds to the pigeons and talked amongst themselves, occasionally laughing and sometimes getting into an intense discussion. A smile came to my lips. The men in the Durbar Square created a question in me, and these little monks were the answer. Do we need to be jobless? No. Do we need to be efficient? Yes. Do we need to work or think or talk all the time? Not at all.

The Bouddhanath Stupa looked different to me seeing it with a silence inside. Only now I really noticed the intensity in Buddha’s eyes which were watching over the world. Only now I relished the serene smell of the incense around the Stupa. The silent space inside, once discovered, doesn’t just make us more relaxed, it makes us be more with where we are, and who we are. It makes us available to the new lands we explore, and makes the exploration a complete experience.

Don’t Quit Smoking. Let smoking Quit YOU.

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Today, I want to share a very personal but profound thing, which all smokers might find useful.

Till 2 yrs and 9 months ago, I was a smoker. I started smoking in 2007 and continued to do so till 2010. It started as a “casual curiosity” and then when I hit a major depression in 2010, I became an addict.

On 4th January, 2011, I lit my last cigarette, and put it out in the middle. I never touched a cigarette every again. I never even felt the need to smoke ever ever again. As of today, even the smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel like puking. (And I never lie)

How did this change happen?

I never tried to “quit smoking”. Never ever. I just sincerely did only one thing: I always brought awareness into my smoking, that is all. This is the advice I had heard my Guru Sri Nithyananda Swami give to someone on what he should do to quit smoking in one of his youtube discourses. He told the person not to struggle to quit, but just be aware, that’s all. I tried that.

Every time I lit a cigarette, I used to be aware of whether I’m really smoking because I want to, or it is bcz I am just restless & bored or is it out of anger or what. Reasons were different many times, but I never gave up my awareness of the reasons. Slowly, after a few months, I saw that I was smoking not bcz I really really wanted to smoke, but for some other stupid reason and sometimes for no reason at all! Slowly, I automatically started to smoke lesser and lesser, and stopped smoking when I wasn’t really feeling like it. And then finally, on the 4th of Jan, I lit a smoke, and suddenly I felt, “What the crap am I doing? I don’t need this poison. I am done with it.”

And I was really really really done with it.
I hope someone finds this useful. It really works, all you need is a little honesty with your own self and a little patience.

Shared this ONLY with the purpose of hoping to benefit someone somewhere. Most people feel ashamed to share abt these habits, even when they are healed of it, but I know, that I have nothing to lose, only to gain if someone gets enriched by this some day.

Don’t Give a Greencard to your Problems

Auroville-1

When people feel tired, bored, fed up, it is not because of the work or the people. It is because of the activity in their own minds.

There is big chasm between what they show to people outside and how they feel inside. That is the reason why everyone looks “great” on the outside, but everyone has “problems”:

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players.”

Players, because we are always playing a part, showing something outside, not addressing our own thoughts and feelings inside.

Any vacation to escape from this may feel good for a few days, but it is not a solution. The solution is to look in. Escaping from a problem is like giving the problem a license to live inside you permanently. It is like a Greencard for your problems 

When we address the unresolved conflicts, thoughts, disturbance inside by completion, everyday becomes a giant vacation

Why do we need a Guru?

www.nithyanandatimes.org
http://www.nithyanandatimes.org

“Why do we need a Guru?” 

That is almost the same as asking “Why do we need teachers/education?” Because no one has ever paid attention to teaching us about life and our own mind, we need a Guru. Just like we need someone to teach us History, Geography, Science, Maths etc, we need someone to teach us about LIFE – emotions, reactions, anger, jealousy, ego, dissatisfaction, mind, conflicts and how to deal with all these.

Yes, it is true, that we have all the answers within our own selves. I have no doubts about it. But, it is like having a bank account or Debit card, whose password/PIN you don’t know! What will you do with such a bank account? It may be having diamonds, but you don’t know how to access it! The Guru is the key, the password, the PIN to all the answers locked inside you.

That is why you need a Guru. He shows you the best of you, and makes you live it.

Satori at Pashupatinath

Image (c) Arti Agarwal
Image (c) Arti Agarwal

“So what’s the story behind the temple ?”, I ask my friend, munching a typical Nepali breakfast of poori, jalebi and tarkari outside the Pashupatinath temple in Kathmandu. My friend is a Nepali who left his country in the year 1999 before the political drama had begun to unfold in Nepal. Twelve years later, his spiritual wanderings see him outside this temple today eating breakfast with a fellow spiritual seeker like me. All around shopkeepers and vendors try to sell me rudrakshaskum kumdiyas, flowers, beads, incense, idols, pooja fans and an assortment of pretty items which I admire and politely decline to buy – just yet.

“Many stories are afloat”, he answers, sipping his tea. “One of the more popular ones is that the Pandavas after the battle of Mahabharata wanted to redeem themselves of their sin of killing their kith and kin and prayed to Lord Shiva to forgive them. Lord Shiva assumed a bull form to elude them. After a lot of tapas and search, the Pandavas saw the bull and immediately knew that this is Lord Shiva. On seeing them, Lord Shiva, in the bull form, started to dig into the ground to avoid them. The Pandavas run after him and could only catch his head as the rest of his body was already under the ground. Seeing their earnestness, Lord Shiva forgave them. Since then, He is worshipped as the Lord of Animals or Pashupatinath in this temple”.

“Interesting”. True ? Who knows ? Considering the number of times the face of the world has been swept by the forces of nature – and man – in the last twenty centuries and more, can there even be any tangible proof of any tale dating that far back ? For that matter, is there any proof of anything worth knowing in life ? Maybe our biggest achievements of today will be met with a similar scrutiny and skepticism by whatever exists in the world twenty more centuries from now, one never knows.

“Do you want a pooja basket ?”, asks my friend bringing me back from my train of thoughts as I look around the place wondering how, when and by who – or who all – this temple was put in its present form. I ponder over the fact that this temple is the biggest place of worship of Lord Shiva in Nepal, and has been under the direct patronage of the kings of Nepal since time immemorial, getting contributions from many rulers to expand the temple complex. My sense of time and place gets momentarily boggled and my sense of history feels flustered.

I realize my friend is looking at me and smiling and waiting for an answer. “Yes ofcourse, we’ll take a pooja basket. And a rudraksha mala, a big one, to go with the rest”, for I was already wearing two. A mala is another term for a string of beads worn around the neck. Rudrakshas are beads that hold the cosmic energy in them – which means, the more you meditate and the deeper your connection with your inner self, the more energy therudrakshas will hold and the darker their color will be.

Since my childhood my connection with deities and temples had been nothing greater than my connection with road signs, which is to say, not at all. They were something people used to follow and take seriously but I never understood why, because they never lead me to anywhere. I had questions in my mind which I wanted answers to, but a temple did not seem like a place where I would find answers on existence.

Today I was in one of the holiest temples of Lord Shiva, the God of enlightenment.  As I enter the temple compound I am instantly taken in by the grand pagoda structure, the crowds, the incense, the loud Nepali music, the camphor, the electrifying energy in the atmosphere and the monkeys hopping from one place to the other like its their playground. Here, I, with my malas, do not stand out at all. Here, I fit in comfortably. There is an erstwhile unseen energy in the air which begins to penetrate my very being, raising me beyond the physical, immersing me into the present, the immediate, the inner world in sync with the outer world. I see people and their faces, their expressions. My friend tells me I should stand in the queue for the pooja and darshan. He is talking to the priest trying to find the best way to get the darshan. He has been here several times, but he is trying to ensure I don’t miss anything important. I tell him to relax. Some people hustle and bustle in the queue, like they always do. I can see them struggling to get near God. They dont want to miss God. But how can you ever miss God?

It’s my turn. I step forward and give the pooja basket to the bhatt who takes it, without pausing his mantra chanting. My eyes are now arrested on the golden eyes standing out from the stark black shiva linga which are staring right at me. In that moment, I am transfixed on the eyes – they seem to be talking to me, without saying anything. The bhatt brings back therudrakshas and the sandalwood paste and I walk out, blissful. My friend and I walk around the temple having darshan of the remaining deities and soaking in the temple vibes. I am very aware … in my mind, there are no thoughts, only the present moment and its experience. While in the queue, the question had occurred to me, why am I here? And the answer came, this time. I am here, not because I want to be here, but because Pashupatinath wants me here.  Because the cosmos wants me here. I did not fret aboutdarshan or pooja, I knew I was here not because I wanted something but because the cosmos wanted to give me something, all I had to do was receive. And I did. I let myself be a path for His energy to flow through me. And I could feel it now, vibrating in my being like the membrane of a drum. I know now, that some answers come, but not in words – but as an experience.